Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
