thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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