3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
