Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why didn't you poke me back
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
