My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
