i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
