my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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