Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
