It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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