he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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