i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
