96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
