quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
