we have pet lesbian snakes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
