So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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