it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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