Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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