WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
