so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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