when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
