I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
