I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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