just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
