What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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