You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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