she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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