I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
