Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
