Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If I die, sorry about rent.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
