he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
