How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
