I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
