I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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