remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
