We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
