"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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