My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize