You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I will be naked everywhere
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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