I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
