True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
