my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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