I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
