saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
