Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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