I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
