I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
