I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
