Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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