Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
