I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
