She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
