I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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