3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
