dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
