my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
