I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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