Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
