i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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